When my husband and I were newly married, I struggled with the same frustrating interaction. I used a common phrase that meant something entirely different for me than for my husband, Jason. I said these often-triggering words about any relationship: “We need to talk about our relationship.”
To my husband, this would seem out of the blue, so I would announce with urgency and anxiousness in my voice, “I’m feeling disconnected.”
How do you imagine my husband would respond?
“Why, of course, honey! Let me drop everything and have a wonderful conversation about our negative emotions and what’s not working in our relationship!” Nope.
There were no words, just heavy eye rolling and groaning with dread. And then, if I persisted and criticized him for not being ready and willing to talk immediately, he might walk away annoyed or snap at me irritably. Then, I would feel more anxious and disconnected, sulk, and respond in passive-aggressive ways. Sound familiar?
So, what happened in this We Need To Talk scenario? My husband and I activated what researchers Steven Stosny and Pat Love call the “unconscious fear-shame dynamic [Please note - this is in heterosexual couples], in which the fear or anxiety of one triggers shame-avoidant behavior (withdrawal or aggression) in the other, and vice versa.”
Every time I said “we need to talk” to Jason, it would be to express discontent and frustration, to offer what I thought was “constructive criticism,” or to voice my fear of being disconnected. No wonder he wanted to avoid those conversations! I was vulnerable to the fear of disconnection, and he was vulnerable to the shame of being a failure.
Jason wants to be a great protector, provider, and lover like many men. This is what expert relational coach David Bowman calls “a man’s secret hero desire” for his intimate relationship:
“Men want most in their lives to have a happy wife or partner AND to feel like they are largely responsible for that happiness. You can call it the provider instinct if you want. We men don’t have to hunt for wild game to provide anymore. We don’t even have to make all the paycheck. Most women could do fine on their own, thank you very much. So what’s left for a man to do? It is to be a good husband (translation: experience a satisfied and content wife). It is also referred to as a man’s secret hero desire.
The contrapositive of this situation, unfortunately, is that when the woman is the least bit dissatisfied, the man’s extreme vulnerability to failure kicks in, and he easily begins to feel like a schmuck. My own personal schmuck-meter goes off even when my wife Donna says something as innocent as “I noticed there’s moss on our roof.” I immediately go to “Oh no, any good husband would not have his wife worrying about moss on the roof.”
Fear of failure and shame can be toxic in our intimate relationships. Shame is the voice that says: “you’re not good enough,” and triggers feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness, and inferiority.
Researcher Brené Brown calls shame a silent epidemic, particularly in men. She describes that men feel regularly shamed in their daily lives and that small humiliations are most hurtful. Many men live in fear of embarrassment, intimidation, and disrespect. They learn to shut down or retaliate in anger to deal with shame or avoid it.
Author and psychotherapist Jed Diamond illustrates the pattern of shame in a personal story:
“We’re ashamed of being ashamed. I felt it today when my wife reminded me of something I had said to her that was unkind. I pride myself on being a sensitive, caring man, and when she pointed out this shortcoming, I could feel the shame rise up in me. I felt myself getting warm. My first thought was, “I didn’t do it.” My first words were, “I never said it.” I felt confused and off balance. I wanted to run away and hide. I wanted to disappear.
I was awash in my shame, but I tried to cover my discomfort. Shame is such a wretched feeling, most of us try and deny we are feeling it, hoping that if we don’t look at it, shame will magically disappear. But shame is stubborn. The more we deny it, the more it sticks to us like glue.”
These 12 tips, written from our perspectives, can help you create a pattern of compassion, authenticity, and connection in your relationship.
These days, Jason and I are learning new ways to deal with the often-hidden shame and fear cycle in our marriage. If I’m feeling anxious or disconnected, I’m learning to seek out connection in ways that don’t necessarily involve an emotional conversation, such as a shared activity or physical touch. I’m also trying to express genuine appreciation more often and honor when he needs space.
If I really need to talk through a frustration, then I’ll make an appointment for an Imago Dialogue, a structured format for safe conversations.
Or, Jason will simply roll his eyes semi-playfully and try to listen with an open heart to what I have to say. Other times, when he can tell that things are off between us, Jason has learned to suggest, “Let’s take a walk.” His initiating this simple invitation is often all I need to feel reconnected and cherished.
Reflect and trust you have a choice to change the negative dynamic. You don’t have to stay stuck in the same frustrating patterns! Experience the joy of authenticity, compassion, and connection.
Be curious and ask yourself: “How does the subtle fear-shame dynamic show up in your relationship?” Remember, you have the power to break free from these patterns and create a deeper, more compassionate connection.
If you need help in your relationship with the shame and fear dynamic, we're here to help with the gift of the Imago Dialogue and many more Imago tools. Check out our virtual and in-person Imago Relationships Workshops and Imago Relationships Therapy.
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Caroline is a licensed professional counselor dedicated to helping couples, individuals, and families resolve conflict and build joyful connections. Using the Imago model, she provides a clear roadmap to deep healing and growth through private sessions, intensives, and workshops, which she leads with Jason, her husband of 30 years. She is responsible for education and supervision at the Imago Center DC.
As a faculty member of the Imago International Training Institute, Caroline trains therapists in Imago Relationship Therapy, offering a unique 96-hour training program and ongoing supervision. A multicultural global citizen fluent in English, Spanish, and French, she embraces diversity and supports clients from all backgrounds with an integrative, trauma-informed approach that combines Imago theory, positive psychology, and somatic and mindfulness-based modalities. She holds a Masters in Counseling from Loyola, a Masters in Education from Harvard, and a PhD from Daybreak University.