Physical Intimacy: What Defines Real Sex?

When considering physical intimacy, what comes to mind for you? Is it strictly about consensual sexual activity, often involving penetration? Or do you view any form of physical closeness as intimate? Have you encountered the term "Sides," which refers to sexual activities excluding penetration altogether?

This concept isn't new; it has a longstanding history among individuals and couples who engage in non-penetrative sexual interactions. In the 1980s, the term "outercourse" emerged to describe such activities, gaining popularity as safe sex practices became more crucial, especially in heterosexual relationships. Were also learning that it’s gaining in popularity in the gay and bisexual communities.

The Journal of Sexual Medicine published a survey of 25,000 gay and bisexual men in America on their recent sexual experiences, and surprisingly, only 36% reported receptive anal sex (bottoming). In contrast, 34% reported insertive anal sex (topping). What was most interesting from this research was that nearly 65% did not engage in any form of intercourse during their last sexual encounter.

Lead author in the Journal of Sexual Medicine article, Joshua Rosenberger observed, "Sexual behaviors involving the anus were the least common during their last sexual event." This study suggests that individuals who do not engage in penetrative sex constitute the majority within this demographic. So, after talking with some colleagues, I realized a new name was needed to describe this sexual activity.

As humans evolve, so does our understanding and terminology for treating modern ailments. As our knowledge of sexuality continues to grow, it prompts the need for new terms. So, I created the term "Sides" in 2013 when I wrote "Guys on the Side” where I shared about gay men NOT into being a "top" or a "bottom" or practicing anal penetration.

Why is this new terminology important? Because up until then, having "real sex" was only about penetration, especially in the gay community. It's the cultural norm. There is no acknowledgment of another way in which we expressed our erotic desires and had satisfying sex. Anything else was NOT considered "normal."

So, sharing this terminology is essential for understanding more about what being a "Side" does indeed look like with multiple sub-descriptions: 

Side Terminology:

1. 100% Side: A side who may have engaged in anal sex or anal play in the past but now prefers to engage in non-penetrative sex exclusively. This may be due to pain associated with anal sex called Anodyspareunia, or severe and frequent painful receptive sex (PRAI)
2. Power Side: A side who likes taking charge of a sexual situation.
3. Passive Side: A side who likes someone else to take charge in a sexual situation.
4. Dom Side: A side who prefers to be dominant during sex.
5. Sub Side: A side who prefers to submit, i.e., to be dominated.
6. Switch Side: A side who may be a Dom with one partner, and a Sub with another (or even with the same partner).
7. Frot Side: A side who likes to engage in frottage, a male-to-male sexual activity that usually involves direct penis-to-penis contact. It can involve one's hand, trying to bring the two together for pleasure, but it isn't always a necessity in the act.
8. Top Side: A side who prefers the insertive role in occasional anal play or anal sex. In addition, he can even be a Dom (dominant) Top Side, a Sub (submissive) Top Side, or a Switch Top Side (switching between being dominant and submissive).
9. Bottom Side: A side who prefers the receptive role in occasional anal play or anal sex. In addition, he can even be a Sub (submissive) Bottom Side, a Dom (dominant) Bottom Side, or a Switch Bottom Side (switching between being dominant and submissive).
10. Vers Side: A side who has no preferences regarding anal sex role in occasional anal play or anal sex.
11. Side-ish//Sometimes a Side/Mostly a Side: A side who occasionally engages in anal sex or anal play.
12. Oral Side: A side who likes oral sex. This can include blowjobs (fellatio), rimjobs (analingus), and/or cunnilingus (in the case of pre-op or no-op transmen or sides who are bisexual/pansexual).
13. Gold Star/Orthodox Side: A side who has never engaged in anal sex or anal play in the past. And if and when he does, the gold star won't apply anymore.

Most people prefer being a Side in all these categories. Since the term Sides has been acknowledged, people have added to the definition and named many sub-varieties in the category.

For example, A Side can be a cisgender male, a transgender male (transman), or an intersex male. In addition, a Side can be a masculine male, a feminine male, a nonbinary male, or an androgynous male. A side can be a gay male, a bisexual male, a pansexual male, or fall under the ace umbrella (asexual male/graysexual male/demisexual male, etc.).

It's important to note that it's not true that Sides are automatically asexual. While they can be, the misconception is that Sides are not having sex because they are not engaging in intercourse. However, they are engaging in everything else sexual with other people.

Before I wrote my 2013 article, I searched and never found anyone else using the Side term. But, I knew it was needed given all the research. When the article started to spread, I was amazed at the hundreds of emails I received from guys telling me how grateful they were that someone validated their sexual behavior and how it made them feel empowered.

I then decided this community of Sides needed a Facebook group. So, I created one called "Side Guys." Some of the guys in the group started a petition to Grindr, the gay dating app, to add the term Side to Grindr's list of preferred positions and filters. They won! Grindr has updated its settings, and gay men are adding it as a sexual position to their app, self-identifying as a Side.

Watch for the term being created in Spanish, French, and Asian languages! In the meantime, enjoy this humorous short video about Sides from Mike Henry, a comedian and sex educator. I couldn't be prouder!

So, to all you Sides out there, take a victory lap and own it—stand tall (or lie down comfortably) for who you are. And hey, don't let anyone tell you that you're not having "real" sex or that you're a "virgin." You're a "Side Guy," stand up and be proud! Welcome to the Sideverse!

If you and your partner are struggling with physical intimacy, we're here to help. Check out our virtual and in-person Imago Relationships Workshops and Imago Relationships Therapy.

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