--- title: "Physical Intimacy: What Defines Real Sex?" description: Sexual intimacy and pleasure include a variety of activities and terminology that are beyond traditional concepts of what defines having 'real sex'. image: https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/hubfs/physical%20intimacy%20and%20defining%20sex.jpeg --- [![Imago Relationships North America](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/hubfs/IMAGO-Logo_Color-RGB.svg "Imago Relationships North America")](https://www.imagorelationshipswork.com/) - [Donate](https://www.imagorelationshipswork.com/about/donate) - [Blog](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/) - [Contact](https://www.imagorelationshipswork.com/about/contact-us) - - - [![Imago Relationships North America](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/hubfs/IMAGO-Logo_Color-RGB.svg "Imago Relationships North America")](https://www.imagorelationshipswork.com/) - [Professionals](https://www.imagorelationshipswork.com/professionals) - Training & Education - [Certification Training](https://www.imagorelationshipswork.com/professionals/imago-certification-training) - 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Posted by [Joe Kort, Ph.D., LMSW](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/author/joe-kort-ph-d-lmsw) on July 22, 2024 at 10:00 AM ![Joe Kort, Ph.D., LMSW](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/hubfs/IRNA%20Blog%20Author%20Headshots/unnamed.jpeg) Find me on: [Facebook](https://www.facebook.com/joekort/) [LinkedIn](https://www.linkedin.com/in/joekort) [Twitter](https://twitter.com/drjoekort) 5 minute read ![physical intimacy and defining sex](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/hs-fs/hubfs/physical%20intimacy%20and%20defining%20sex.jpeg?width=512&height=768&name=physical%20intimacy%20and%20defining%20sex.jpeg) When considering physical intimacy, what comes to mind for you? Is it strictly about [consensual sexual activity](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/relationships/sexual-consent), often involving penetration? Or do you view any form of physical closeness as intimate? Have you encountered the term "Sides," which refers to sexual activities excluding penetration altogether? This concept isn't new; it has a longstanding history among individuals and couples who engage in non-penetrative sexual interactions. In the 1980s, the term ["outercourse"](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/outercourse-for-better-sex-life_l_662ae6abe4b09d8df9d5f778) emerged to describe such activities, gaining popularity as safe sex practices became more crucial, especially in heterosexual relationships. Were also learning that it’s gaining in popularity in the gay and bisexual communities. The Journal of Sexual Medicine published a survey of 25,000 gay and bisexual men in America on their recent sexual experiences, and surprisingly, only 36% reported receptive anal sex [*(bottoming).*](https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/what-is-bottoming-meaning)In contrast, 34% reported insertive anal sex [*(topping).*](https://www.teenvogue.com/story/what-it-means-to-be-top-bottom-or-vers)What was most interesting from this research was that nearly **65% did not engage in any form of intercourse during their last sexual encounter.** Lead author in the Journal of Sexual Medicine article, Joshua Rosenberger observed, "Sexual behaviors involving the anus were the least common during their last sexual event." This study suggests that individuals who do not engage in penetrative sex constitute the majority within this demographic. So, after talking with some colleagues, I realized a new name was needed to describe this [sexual activity.](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/teens/sex/all-about-sex) As humans evolve, so does our understanding and terminology for treating modern ailments. As our knowledge of sexuality continues to grow, it prompts the need for new terms. So, I created the term "Sides" in 2013 when I wrote["Guys on the Side](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/guys-on-the-side-looking-beyond-gay-tops-and-bottoms_b_3082484?guccounter=1)” where I shared about gay men NOT into being a "top" or a "bottom" or practicing anal penetration. Why is this new terminology important? Because up until then, having "real sex" was only about penetration, especially in the gay community. It's the cultural norm. There is no acknowledgment of another way in which we expressed our erotic desires and had satisfying sex. Anything else was NOT considered "normal." So, sharing this terminology is essential for understanding more about what being a "Side" does indeed look like with multiple sub-descriptions:  ![Gay Sides Terminology](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/hs-fs/hubfs/Gay%20Sides%20Terminology.jpg?width=561&height=842&name=Gay%20Sides%20Terminology.jpg) ## Side Terminology: 1. **100% Side:** A side who may have engaged in anal sex or anal play in the past but now prefers to engage in non-penetrative sex exclusively. This may be due to pain associated with anal sex called Anodyspareunia, or severe and frequent painful receptive sex (PRAI) 2. **Power Side:** A side who likes taking charge of a sexual situation. 3. **Passive Side:** A side who likes someone else to take charge in a sexual situation. 4. **Dom Side:** A side who prefers to be dominant during sex. 5. **Sub Side:** A side who prefers to submit, i.e., to be dominated. 6. **Switch Side:** A side who may be a Dom with one partner, and a Sub with another (or even with the same partner). 7. **Frot Side:** A side who likes to engage in frottage, a male-to-male sexual activity that usually involves direct penis-to-penis contact. It can involve one's hand, trying to bring the two together for pleasure, but it isn't always a necessity in the act. 8. **Top Side:** A side who prefers the insertive role in occasional anal play or anal sex. In addition, he can even be a Dom (dominant) Top Side, a Sub (submissive) Top Side, or a Switch Top Side (switching between being dominant and submissive). 9. **Bottom Side:** A side who prefers the receptive role in occasional anal play or anal sex. In addition, he can even be a Sub (submissive) Bottom Side, a Dom (dominant) Bottom Side, or a Switch Bottom Side (switching between being dominant and submissive). 10. **Vers Side:** A side who has no preferences regarding anal sex role in occasional anal play or anal sex. 11. **Side-ish//Sometimes a Side/Mostly a Side:** A side who occasionally engages in anal sex or anal play. 12. **Oral Side:** A side who likes oral sex. This can include blowjobs (fellatio), rimjobs (analingus), and/or cunnilingus (in the case of pre-op or no-op transmen or sides who are bisexual/pansexual). 13. **Gold Star/Orthodox Side:** A side who has never engaged in anal sex or anal play in the past. And if and when he does, the gold star won't apply anymore. Most people prefer being a Side in all these categories. Since the term Sides has been acknowledged, people have added to the definition and named many sub-varieties in the category. For example, A Side can be a cisgender male, a [transgender](https://transequality.org/trans-101) male (transman), or an intersex male. In addition, a Side can be a masculine male, a feminine male, a nonbinary male, or an androgynous male. A side can be a gay male, a bisexual male, a pansexual male, or fall under the ace umbrella (asexual male/graysexual male/demisexual male, etc.). It's important to note that it's not true that Sides are automatically asexual. While they can be, the [misconception is that Sides are not having sex](https://www.thedailybeast.com/sides-are-redefining-how-people-identify-sex-through-outercourse-and-non-penetration) because they are not engaging in intercourse. However, they are engaging in everything else sexual with other people. Before I wrote my 2013 article, I searched and never found anyone else using the Side term. But, I knew it was needed given all the research. When the article started to spread, I was amazed at the hundreds of emails I received from guys telling me how grateful they were that someone validated their sexual behavior and how it made them feel empowered. I then decided this community of Sides needed a Facebook group. So, I created one called["Side Guys."](https://m.facebook.com/groups/sideguys)Some of the guys in the group started a petition to Grindr, the gay dating app, to add the [term Side to Grindr's list of preferred positions](https://www.gaytimes.com/life/grindr-adds-new-side-option-alongside-top-bottom-and-versatile/) and filters. They won! Grindr has updated its settings, and gay men are adding it as a sexual position to their app, self-identifying as a Side. Watch for the term being created in Spanish, French, and Asian languages! In the meantime, enjoy this[humorous short video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FLNx6ty8S-M) about Sides from Mike Henry, a comedian and sex educator. I couldn't be prouder! So, to all you Sides out there, take a victory lap and own it—stand tall *(or lie down comfortably)* for who you are. And hey, don't let anyone tell you that you're not having "real" sex or that you're a "virgin." You're a "Side Guy," stand up and be proud! Welcome to the Sideverse! If you and your partner are struggling with physical intimacy, we're here to help. Check out our virtual and in-person [Imago Relationships Workshops](https://www.imagorelationshipswork.com/couples-and-individuals/workshops) and [Imago Relationships Therapy](https://www.imagorelationshipswork.com/couples-and-individuals/imago-therapy). Discover more about Imago with our [**Imago Professional Membership**](https://www.imagorelationshipswork.com/membership), [**Imago Professional Facilitators**](https://imagorelationshipswork.com/organizations), [**Imago Professional Training**](https://www.imagorelationshipswork.com/community/profile-ref/manage-subscription/imago-professional-training), and [**Imago Insights Education**](https://www.imagorelationshipswork.com/community/user-ref/manage-subscription/imago-professional-training/33-about-imago/training/74-imago-insights-educational-webinars). **Connect. Transform. Thrive.** [**Imago Relationships**](https://www.imagorelationshipswork.com) --- ![Joe_Kort_Imago_Relationships_North_America-1](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/hs-fs/hubfs/IRNA%20Blog%20Author%20Headshots/Joe_Kort_Imago_Relationships_North_America-1.png?width=132&height=185&name=Joe_Kort_Imago_Relationships_North_America-1.png) This blog post was written by [Joe Kort, Ph.D., LMSW](http://joekort.com/), Imago Certified Relationship Therapist and[AASECT](https://www.aasect.org/)Certified Sex Therapist & Supervisor of Sex Therapy. Joe is a leading expert on sex and relationships. He specializes in [Out-of-Control Sexual Behaviors (OCSB)/“sex addiction,”](http://joekort.com/specialities.htm/sexual_addiction.htm) [Relationship Problems and Marital Conflict](http://joekort.com/specialities.htm/therapy.htm), [Sex Therapy](http://joekort.com/specialities.htm/sex_therapy.htm), [Sexual Identity Concerns](http://joekort.com/specialities.htm/articles84.htm), Depression, Anxiety and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). His [practice](http://joekort.com/about_joe.htm) is located in Royal Oak, Michigan, and he welcomes clients from all over the Metro Detroit area. Joe is also available for long-distance [coaching](http://joekort.com/coaching.htm) and consultation. His practice is mixed with straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender individuals and couples. Joe graduated from Michigan State University with dual Psychology and Social Work majors. At Wayne State University, he earned his Master's in Social Work (MSW), then a Masters (MA) in Psychology, and has received his Doctorate (Ph.D.) in Clinical Sexology from the American Academy of Clinical Sexologists (AACS). In addition, Joe is also the founder and director of [the Center for Relationship and Sexual Health](http://crsh.com/) (his associate's biographies can be found [here](http://crsh.com/meet_our_therapists)), teaching faculty at the University of Michigan Sexual Health Certificate Program, a Board Certified Sexologist, a member of the Academy of Certified Social Workers, a member of the National Association of Certified Social Workers, a member of EMDRIA Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Basic Training, and a licensed clinical social worker in the state of Michigan. Joe has also written a book to help couples and individuals on Amazon.com called [**Erotic Orientation: Helping Couples and Individuals Understand Their Sexual Lives**](https://www.amazon.com/Erotic-Orientation-Helping-Individuals-Understand/dp/0997389850/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1Q0Q2TYHZ3PSC&keywords=erotic+orientation&qid=1675207181&sprefix=erotic+orientation%2Caps%2C89&sr=8-1). Topics: [Sex Therapy](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/tag/sex-therapy), [Male Sexuality](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/tag/male-sexuality), [Sexual Desire](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/tag/sexual-desire), [Sexual Trauma](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/tag/sexual-trauma), [Sexual Communication](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/tag/sexual-communication), [Better Sex](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/tag/better-sex), [Sexual Pleasure](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/tag/sexual-pleasure), [Gay Pride](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/tag/gay-pride), [LGBTQ+](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/tag/lgbtq), [Gay](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/tag/gay), [Sex Therapy 101](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/tag/sex-therapy-101), [Sexual Problems](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/tag/sexual-problems), [Sexual Health](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/tag/sexual-health), [Sex Education](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/tag/sex-education), [Sex Positive](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/tag/sex-positive), [Sexual Intimacy](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/tag/sexual-intimacy), [Healthy Sex](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/tag/healthy-sex), [Sides](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/tag/sides), [Side Sex](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/tag/side-sex), [Sexual Sides](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/tag/sexual-sides), [Gay Sides](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/tag/gay-sides), [Side Guy](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/tag/side-guy), [Sideverse](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/tag/sideverse), [Real Sex](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/tag/real-sex), [Healthy Sex Life](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/tag/healthy-sex-life), [Sexual Position](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/tag/sexual-position), [Sexual Shame](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/tag/sexual-shame), [Gay Sex](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/tag/gay-sex) ### About the blog The Imago Relationships Blog features content from our team of professional therapists, workshop presenters and facilitators who are passionate about helping you discover a new way to communicate and love your life. 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