You feel like your partner isn’t romantic enough. They feel like you criticize them too much. When there is dissatisfaction in a relationship, it is often because the reality doesn't match your relationship vision — what you believe that relationship should be. And here’s the kicker — many people don’t even realize they have a vision!
In Imago Relationships, we have couples work to figure out what that relationship vision is — separately and then together.
It starts with each person detailing their individual relationship vision. You do this by asking yourself what your ideal love relationship looks like and writing those things down in a list.
Your list will include things already present in your relationship and things that you hope to bring into your relationship. It's important to write everything on your list in a positive manner. For example, instead of "No arguing," you would write something like "We work together to settle differences amicably."
Here are a few starter questions to help you come up with ideas on what types of things to write for your list:
How is your sex life?
What do you do together?
How often are you together and apart?
How do you make big decisions?
Do you have children? If yes, how are childcare duties handled?
Where does work fit into your relationship?
How is free time spent?
What do you do when there is a conflict?
These are just a few examples. Your questions — and particularly the answers to them — should be based on your unique desires.
Write your list on the downloadable worksheet that is divided into four columns:
Similarities
Vision
Importance 1-5
Difficulty
Click Here To Download Your Personal Relationship Vision Worksheet
When you come across a vision that you both share, put a checkmark next to it in the first column.
Additionally, whenever either of you agrees with a vision that you didn’t think of on your own, add it to your individual lists and put a checkmark next to it as well.
Each of you individually ranks the importance of each vision in the third column. Ranking something with a one means it's of the highest importance to you, while five is least significant.
Finally, in the “Difficulty” column, place a checkmark on those visions you believe would be the hardest for you and your partner to achieve.
Your Individual Relationship Vision Worksheet is complete!
What’s next? You guessed it — combining your individual worksheets to create a Relationship Vision Together.
The point of a Mutual Relationship Vision is not for both of you to agree on everything. We all have different wants and needs and place different levels of importance on those wants and needs.
This collective vision of your relationship will allow you to see where you have similarities and differences — and be aware of those things that matter more to your partner than they do to you. And vice versa. It should have the following four categories:
Your Name - Importance of 1-5
Our Visions
Partner's Name - Importance of 1-5
Difficulty
Click Here To Download Your Couples Relationship Vision Worksheet
The "Our Visions" column, not surprisingly, should include all of the visions from your individual worksheets, only writing those that express the same desires once.
If one of you has a vision that the other disagrees with, work together to develop a way that expresses that sentiment in language both of you can accept. If you can't do this, don't include it.
At the top of the list, place the visions both of you have rated as most important.
At the bottom of the list, place the visions both of you agree to be least important.
The rest should fall somewhere in the middle.
Under Difficulty, put a checkmark for items both of you've individually marked as hard to achieve.
And, you’re done!
Most likely, you will have a combined list with a good amount of agreement and some places where you differ - this is good and completely normal!
Having a mutual relationship vision is a tool that reminds you both of your desires and goals to work toward them. If something is a two for your partner but only a four for you, the list is a reminder that you'll need to work harder to help achieve that goal — and vice versa for visions that are more important to you.
Refer to this list regularly, and you'll be well on your way to creating a relationship that brings both of you the most satisfaction and happiness possible.
If you struggle to create and incorporate a relationship vision with your partner, we're here to help. Check out our Imago Relationship Workshops and Relationship Therapy. We also have Online Couples Therapy and Online Couples Workshops right now!
Discover more about Imago with our Imago Professional Membership, Imago Professional Facilitators, Imago Professional Training, and Imago Educational Webinars.
Check out Dana's Website and handouts too!