Once upon a time, I used a 35mm camera that had a manual focus, meaning you manipulated the lens to bring an otherwise blurry image into focus.
Now, imagine using such a camera to photograph a beautiful snow-capped mountain in the Alps, but the mountain is on the other side of a fence. What if you accidentally focused on the fence? That’s not quite the same beauty!
Sometimes our relationships are like that. All this love and beauty surrounds us, yet what do we see? Sometimes we see the barrier to beauty instead of the beauty itself.
What if you can shift the focus in your relationship?
The Power of Attention: Understanding Negativity Bias in Relationships
Because we are hard-wired for survival, our brains often find and focus on what is wrong much faster than they recognize what is right, beautiful, or good. This is called “negativity bias.”
Here is an example: when the doctor comes into the room after reading a scan and says, “Well, 90% is good news,” what do you hear?
Do you hear, “Oh no…what’s wrong?”
The doctor said 90% is good, but perhaps you heard the negative a little easier than the positive. We often do.
A Relationship Paradigm Shift: Moving From the Individual to the Relational Space
Historically, therapy has often focused on the individual—the space within a person. For a century and a half, much of therapy focused primarily on disorders and pathology.
During the mid-twentieth century, Abraham Maslow and others began exploring human behavior as “needs-driven,” creating a welcome paradigm shift from pathology toward normalization and human potential.
The Relational Paradigm: Focusing on the Space Between Us
Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt began exploring a new focus, rooted in the Relational Paradigm, which shifts attention from the individual to the space between people. In other words, everything happens in relationship with someone or something else.
This approach opens up new possibilities—not only for romantic relationships but also for how humanity approaches conflict, connection, and healing. Imagine if conflicts between countries could be addressed through dialogue rather than war.
Key #1 Shift Relationship Focus: Move From Criticism to Appreciation — Cultivating Gratitude in Relationships
In a romantic relationship, the space between is created by the energetic contributions of each person to the shared relationship. If we constantly focus on our partner as the problem, we begin polluting the space between us.
One of my favorite places in the world is a beautiful beach in St. John called Maho Bay. The water is crystal clear, allowing you to see your toes beneath the surface and, even more exciting, starfish resting below or schools of Blue Tang and Angelfish swimming nearby. The sand is white, and the beach is pristine. This is a beautiful space.
The opposite image might be a dirty, toxic, polluted environment. It becomes obvious which space we would want to live in.
Key #2 Shift Relationship Focus: Build Emotional Safety Through Imago Dialogue and Intentional Communication
To create a beautiful relationship space, both partners can choose to:
Live more intentionally in your relationship by:
- Focusing on what is good.
- Expressing appreciation regularly.
- Showing love and care through words and actions.
Take the focus off what your partner is doing wrong by:
- Working on your own reactions and reactivity.
- Learning new ways to communicate with curiosity instead of defensiveness.
This means dialing down criticism until it becomes obsolete and dialing up a new way of talking and listening. We will still have needs, but when we address those needs through Imago Intentional Dialogue, we help keep the relationship space clean.
When we share, we speak from our own perspective. When we listen, we do so with curiosity rather than defensiveness. This approach is far more effective than blaming, shaming, or criticizing.
Key #3 Shift Relationship Focus: Embrace the Relational Paradigm — Healing Through Connection
The Relational Paradigm reminds us that everything happens in relationships. We were conceived in relationship, born in relationship, wounded in relationship, and we heal in relationship through deeper understanding and connection with one another.
Energy and outcome follow attention: what we focus on is what grows in relationships. While it is natural for our brains to search for what is wrong, we have the opportunity to create a future where conflicts—large and small—are addressed through dialogue, compassion, and a commitment to understanding one another.
From Surviving to Thriving: Creating a Relationship Built on Love and Care
Do you want to thrive in a pristine, beautiful space, or barely survive in a polluted one?
To thrive in relationship means shifting our focus toward gratitude, appreciation, caring, and intentional behaviors. It means choosing warm smiles, affection, and kindness. When we experience an “ouch,” we can learn to dialogue about it without making anyone wrong.
We are born in relationship. We are wounded in relationship. And we heal in relationship.
The Future of Relationships: The Promise of the Relational Paradigm
The Relational Paradigm offers a vision for the future of relationships. What if we lived in a world where people understood that the way forward is through deeper connection with one another?
Imagine a world where conflict is transformed through understanding, where healing replaces hurt, and where relationships become a pathway toward greater compassion and cooperation.
As Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt teach, this work represents the forefront of the next civilization. It is a global imperative that we focus on our relationships with one another in ways that help us remain connected, safe, and thriving.
If you're struggling in your relationship and want help changing your focus, Imago Relationships Therapy can help. We're here to help with our online and in-person Imago Relationship Workshops and Relationship Therapy.
Discover more about Imago with our Imago Professional Membership, Imago Professional Facilitators, Imago Professional Training, and Imago Educational Webinars.
This blog post was written by Jeannie Ingram, LPC - MHSP, Certified Advanced Imago Relationship Therapist.
Jeannie Ingram is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Certified Imago Relationship Therapist, speaker, and workshop presenter in private practice in Nashville, TN.
She has a Bachelors Degree in Psychology, a Masters in Counseling from the University of Alabama at Birmingham, and a Post-Baccalaureate Certificate in Marriage and Family Therapy from Capella University. Using this training, along with decades of experience in crisis intervention, she helps couples and individuals heal and live more intentionally. In addition, she is a Clinical Instructor for the International Imago Training Institute and Interim Director of Tapestries Counseling Center in Nashville, TN. She is certified to present Getting the Love You Want, Keeping the Love You Find, and Start Right, Stay Connected Imago couples workshops across the Southeast. She loves cooking, writing, hiking, camping, kayaking, and sailing.
Most of all, she is dedicated to helping couples and individuals find joy, meaning, success, and connection through the practice of mindfulness and purpose in their lives.
