A spontaneous walk that wasn't - this morning I went out for a walk, spontaneously, or so I told myself.
The truth is, it was –19°C. Freezing cold. Before I stepped outside, I did what most of us do without even noticing: I assessed the situation.
I layered up, checked the weather, and prepared. And then I went. The walk felt spontaneous, but it wasn't unplanned.
As I walked, I thought about how often couples tell me they want more spontaneity, especially around sex.
In the early romance stage, both partners are focused on togetherness—and often thinking about sex constantly. They anticipate it. They fantasize about it. They're primed for it. Spontaneity feels easy because both nervous systems are already aligned and "humming" in the same direction.
But once a couple moves past that stage, desire naturally begins to differ between partners. One partner may still think about sex often, while the other may not think about it at all unless something specific cues it. This can feel confusing—especially for the high-desire partner, who may think:
While the other partner may be feeling in response:
Now, feelings and energy levels come first—sex is no longer top of mind.
In most relationships, one partner has a higher desire level—someone who can shift into sexual interest on a dime. The other partner tends to be more responsive, lower desire, and may go an entire day without a single sexual thought.
And here's something important: Chances are, the partner who initiates spontaneously has actually been thinking about it all day—or all week.
Their spontaneity is often the culmination of a long internal build-up. Meanwhile, for the other partner, the invitation arrives out of nowhere. Two completely different nervous system timelines and both are valid.
This mismatch shows up across the relationship, not just in sex. Here are a few examples:
We say we want spontaneity—but do we actually like surprises in real life? Most of us need a moment to assess, such as:
There are so many invisible variables beneath the surface and the internal planning we don't notice. Even my "spontaneous" walk required preparation. I had to layer up, anticipate the cold, and decide that the sun was worth the effort. Spontaneity still needed a runway, and some preparation.
And sometimes, when we skip the runway, things go sideways.
This is where personality differences matter.
The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) is a well-known personality framework that looks at how people take in information and make decisions. It categorizes people along four dimensions:
It's not a diagnosis or a box to live in, but it can be a helpful language for understanding why one partner leaps while the other pauses.
For those who've never taken it, the MBTI is available through the official Myers-Briggs website and other reputable personality-type platforms. The value isn't in the label—it's in the insight. It gives couples a shared vocabulary for understanding their differences rather than personalizing them.
Years ago, at a public event, my partner grabbed my hand and whisked me onto the dance floor. It was a truly spontaneous moment. He was a very good dancer. I had very little experience. I was wearing very high platform shoes. He spun and twirled with confidence; I tried to follow.
It was fast.
It was awkward, and it felt dangerous.
It was not fun.
And it was embarrassing.
I wouldn't repeat that. Not because I didn't love him, but because I wasn't prepared.
What I would prefer is learning to dance well together, building a shared skill, shared rhythm, a shared confidence. So, if he ever spontaneously grabbed my hand again, it could be fun.
The same is true for sex, date nights, conversations, or playful invitations. Two nervous systems are involved, so it's wise to consider each other before extending the invitation. We need to understand more about our own and our partner's inner workings.
This is where Imago Relationship Therapy can be so helpful. It gives couples a safe space to explore what's happening inside without anyone being shut down or corrected. We look at where these patterns come from, how they were adaptive, and how they still operate today.
When we understand the deeper layers, we can create conditions where spontaneity actually has room to land.
So if we want more spontaneity and playfulness, the first step might be surprisingly simple: Let's plan for playfulness.
If this sounds like your relationship, Imago Relationships Therapy can help you find your way back to the same page. We're here to help with our online and in-person Imago Relationship Workshops and Relationship Therapy.
Discover more about Imago with our Imago Professional Membership, Imago Professional Facilitators, Imago Professional Training, and Imago Educational Webinars.
For two decades, she has assisted individuals, couples, and groups. She has taught a variety of workshops on topics such as relationships, communication, sexuality, healing, self-awareness, creativity, and self-help. Stacy has a background in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), Meditation and Mindfulness, Psychodramatic Bodywork, Conscious Core Transformation (CCT), The DNMS, Discernment Counselling, and PACT. She also continues to study and teach in the area of Couplehood and sexuality.
Even before she became a Psychotherapist, Stacy was a spiritual seeker and passionate about her own healing journey. Areas of study for Stacy include Kabbalah, Buddhism, and ACIM (A Course in Miracles). Because she is so passionate about her work, she cannot resist the desire to upgrade her skills in an ongoing way through reading, attending workshops, and teaching. Stacy feels that all these efforts contribute to her growth as a well-rounded person, a therapist, and a spiritual being.
Check out Stacy's website: www.ameetingofminds.ca