Win-Win or Lose-Lose? The Truth About Keeping Score in Relationships

One of the many mantras I try to drill into couples I work with is that in relationships, it’s either win-win or lose-lose. There is no win-lose. Scoring a point against your partner might feel like a victory in the moment, but in reality, it’s like your right hand slapping your left—you’re only hurting yourself.

I remember asking a husband in session once:

• “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?”
• “Can’t I have both?” he asked me plaintively.
• “No,” was my emphatic reply.

What Do I Mean By "It’s a Win-Win or Lose-Lose in Your Relationship?"

• Why do so many of us, so often, take delicious satisfaction in trying to prove ourselves right and our partners wrong?
• Why do we look to our friends to bolster our sense of grievance with our partners?
• Why do we rehearse arguments in our heads when we’re upset—arguments where we are always the aggrieved party and our partner is the wicked oppressor?

I think there are a number of ways to say it, a number of lenses through which we can view this, but underneath it all is one core issue that is at the heart of so many disagreements: We take ourselves too seriously. We think we are at the center of the universe and that our feelings or perspectives or issues should trump everything else.

And with that inflated sense of self-importance comes a sensitivity to slights and bumps on the unfairness metric of life. So we go out of our way to make our point, convinced that our cause is righteous and our anger just. Fueled by perceived slights and our partner’s perceived faults, we argue endlessly over who started it, who spoke more sharply, and who did this or that. These arguments can last for hours, days, weeks—or even define an entire marriage.

Stop and Ask Yourself These Three Questions:

• Are you being your best self in this particular moment?

• Is how you’re acting how you want to be remembered or seen by others?

• Is it the legacy you want to leave behind in this world?

Truly, it doesn’t matter what your partner did or didn’t do to deserve it. Remember, scoring a point against your partner is like slapping your own hand. If the answer is “no” to the above questions, then just stop it.

Because these kinds of fights never end well for either party. Even if your partner grudgingly concedes a point, think about what you’ve really gained.

Here’s What You’ve Gained by "Winning" an Argument with Your Partner:

• A partner who feels less than you in some way.

• A relationship that becomes more about competition than connection.

• A momentary ego boost—at the expense of long-term intimacy and trust.

Is that really what you want, to feel superior to your partner? To claim a hollow victory while damaging the very foundation of your relationship? Again, you’re just slapping your left hand and feeling triumphant.

The Real Magic of Romantic Partnership

The magic of partnership, the promise of a good marriage, is not needing to keep score. A marriage where both partners assume the best offers a secure foundation to live in the world.

A strong relationship thrives on trust—the deep security that comes from knowing you are each other’s ally. Even if one of you says something hurtful in the moment, it doesn't have to matter in the long run.

Because:

1. You’re not that important.

2. Your partner surely didn’t intend to hurt you.

Have you thought about how much time and energy you can save if you choose to trust each other’s better selves? Or, the time you can save in your relationship if you can automatically assume the best rather than the worst in your partner?

Beyond Relationships: A Win-Win Perspective on Life

Expanding this focus from the narrow lens of your primary relationship outward: I believe there is no true win-lose in life. We are all connected to each other and to everything else, even in ways that aren’t always visible. The way we approach our closest relationships shapes the way we engage with the world.

So what if more of us chose to approach life through the lens of win-win? Imagine the conflicts we could avoid, the deeper relationships we could build, and the greater sense of peace we could experience. Because in the end, a world that thrives on win-win is the only one where we all truly win.

If you and your partner are struggling with keeping score and the win-lose dynamic, we're here to help. Check out our virtual and in-person Imago Relationships Workshops and Imago Relationships Therapy. Discover more about Imago with our Imago Professional Membership, Imago Professional Facilitators, Imago Professional Training, and Imago Insights Education.