Understanding Relationship Conflict: How to Build a Respectful and Loving Relationship

According to Harville Hendricks and Helen LaKelly Hunt, "Conflict is Growth Trying To Happen." For many couples, conflict can be the single most difficult communication issue.

One might wonder, "How do I respect the other and maintain my sense of self when we disagree?" Thinking about the space between two people and what each one is putting in that space can help delineate that there are two different people in this relationship, which means there are boundaries that must be acknowledged, understood, and respected.

Boundaries in relationships are like good fences between neighbors. You respect each other's space by entering only in their space when invited, upon request, or given permission. Healthy boundaries are also crucial for managing and resolving conflict.

At the risk of saying this too often, the most crucial thing about boundaries in relationships is keeping the space between each other SAFE. Knowing how to maintain safe boundaries can sometimes feel confusing, and couples who struggle with maintaining them often feel disconnected and frustrated.

For example, one person in the relationship may feel they're doing the "right" thing by continuing to ask questions or insist on "working things out." Still, their partner might perceive this as intrusive or overwhelming. In response, he or she may see themselves as doing the "right" thing by moving away, ignoring, or blocking entry into the relationship space. In this scenario, relationship disconnection occurs when each person sees the other's behavior as hurtful, increasing their sense of feeling unsafe. In this scenario, each person in the couple is simply trying to protect or take care of themselves in their own way.

In Imago Relationship Therapy, we refer to these two different ways one protects themselves in a relationship as the "Turtle" and the "Hailstorm," or the "Turtle" and the "Tiger." We all have the capability of using either reaction, with one or the other as a usual default. Here's how that relationship dynamic may look when a couple gets into a disagreement:

• The partner who adopts the turtle behavior will pull away during a conflict and hide in their shell until they feel safe to come out again.
• Meanwhile, the partner who takes on the tiger's behavior will leap out to protect themselves, their family, and their integrity when they perceive conflict danger.

In either scenario, both respond with a sense of ATTACK versus working together as a team to solve conflict. Neither is right or wrong. The unhealthy response is the turtle and tiger dynamic in action.

In cases when the turtle stays in its shell for too long, the tiger is likely to poke at that turtle's shell until, eventually, the turtle turns into a snapping turtle and attacks. When this happens, the partner in the tiger role may transform into the turtle role. At this point, any and all relationship communication will shut down.

When the partners have reached this state, neither person is focused on the relationship as its own space, or about staying in a healthy relationship connection. Each partner feels under attack and focused solely on self-protection.

How Healthy Boundaries Can Build a Respectful and Nurturing Relationship

The first step in moving into a more respectful and loving relationship is for each partner to step back, take an emotional time out so they can try something different. Start with baby steps and an openness to trying a new path. Start by looking honestly at your own actions with curiosity. Then you will be able to focus on your partner with a more curious perspective as well.

By focusing on self-awareness, you'll begin to recognize your automatic default conflict mode. Once that happens, you'll be able to see a path to moving forward. Moving away from feeling you must protect yourself can be a powerful process and lead to a greater desire for change. When you realize what's not working, change seems like the only option and the best choice. There's only one person you can change in this scenario. Begin by asking yourself the following questions:

• When I feel under attack or conflict is brewing, do I respond like a tiger and pounce to protect?
• When I feel under attack, do I hide emotionally or physically in a shell like a turtle to protect?

Whether you feel more closely aligned with the tiger or a turtle, both roles require self-reflection. It takes courage to disconnect from the fear and protection to look within and see your role in the chaos. You may even feel scared of change, Such as "If I stop the dance with my partner, what will be left?" Trust that self-reflection and moving away from right and wrong are essential for healthy boundaries in relationships to thrive.

Focus on bringing the energy back to your role and consider what might be a more constructive way to protect the space between you and your partner rather than focusing on yourself and maybe seeing with new eyes your partner as someone who is simply trying to handle stress in their way without taking it personally(assuming no physical harm to you.)

Once you have come to this idea of working on yourself and how you react, you can disconnect from the fear and pain, which is always underneath our emotional reactions. Try the following:

• Disconnect from fear and connect to your breath.
• Reimagine your partner as a child in protective mode (try using the lens of a loving parent or grandparent).
• Focus on honesty through kindness.
• Let your partner know when you feel triggered or activated.
• Ask for a time-out.
• Let your partner know you want to stay connected so you can return to this conversation when you are more present and respectful.
• Make an appointment to return to the conversation.
• Bring curiosity to your conversation and listen intently.

When you keep your promise and return to the conversation, please remember to focus on the following statement: "Take nothing personally." Remember, the turtle and the tiger are reactive modes—learned responses. They're less about the current situation or the entirety of the relationship. Focus instead on the framework with your healthy boundaries.

Prioritizing healthy boundaries in your relationship brings numerous rewards, such as clearer communication, mutual respect, and a safer environment that prevents misunderstandings and conflict escalation. It fosters accountability, self-reflection, and effective tension management.

You and your partner are a team and can co-create a nurturing space where you can heal and grow together. Be patient and kind throughout this process. Understanding that loving relationships cherish connection and provide a supportive, healing environment - warts and all, the healing balm for one another. Connection is the intention.

If you need help managing conflict and boundaries in your relationship, we're here to help with the gift of the Imago Dialogue and many more Imago tools. Check out our virtual and in-person Imago Relationships Workshops and Imago Relationships Therapy.

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