--- title: Telling Your Spouse about an Affair description: When revealing infidelity to your partner, it is essential to handle the conversation with care and compassion. image: https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/hubfs/Imported_Blog_Media/Having%20an%20Affair.jpg --- [![Imago Relationships North America](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/hubfs/IMAGO-Logo_Color-RGB.svg "Imago Relationships North America")](https://www.imagorelationshipswork.com/) - [Donate](https://www.imagorelationshipswork.com/about/donate) - [Blog](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/) - [Contact](https://www.imagorelationshipswork.com/about/contact-us) - - - [![Imago Relationships North America](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/hubfs/IMAGO-Logo_Color-RGB.svg "Imago Relationships North America")](https://www.imagorelationshipswork.com/) - [Professionals](https://www.imagorelationshipswork.com/professionals) - Training & Education - [Certification Training](https://www.imagorelationshipswork.com/professionals/imago-certification-training) - 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[Relationship Quizzes](https://www.imagorelationshipswork.com/couples-and-individuals/relationship-quizzes) - [Relationship Tips](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/relationship-advice) - [Imago Blog](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/) - [About](https://www.imagorelationshipswork.com/about/about-irna) - [About IRNA](https://www.imagorelationshipswork.com/about/about-irna) - [Diversity and Inclusion](https://www.imagorelationshipswork.com/about/diversity-inclusion) - [Donate](https://www.imagorelationshipswork.com/about/donate) - [Become a Member](https://www.imagorelationshipswork.com/professionals/membership) - [About Imago](https://www.imagorelationshipswork.com/about/about-imago) - [Imago Around the World](https://www.imagorelationshipswork.com/about/around-the-world) # Telling Your Spouse about an Affair Posted by [Dr. Tammy Nelson, PHD, CST, CSCT, LPC, LADC](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/author/dr-tammy-nelson-phd-cst-csct-lpc-ladc) on November 4, 2020 at 12:00 AM ![Dr. Tammy Nelson, PHD, CST, CSCT, LPC, LADC](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/hubfs/Tammy%20headshot%20Feb%202020.jpg) Find me on: [Facebook](https://www.facebook.com/DrTammyNelson/) [Twitter](https://twitter.com/drtammynelson) 2 minute read ![Having an Affair](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/hs-fs/hubfs/Imported_Blog_Media/Having%20an%20Affair.jpg?width=366&name=Having%20an%20Affair.jpg) When [revealing infidelity](https://www.cnn.com/2017/10/05/health/why-women-cheat-partner/index.html) to your partner, it is essential to handle the conversation with [compassion](https://www.bustle.com/p/compassion-is-the-most-important-quality-in-a-marriage-heres-how-to-practice-it-39448). What you are about to tell them will undoubtedly be hurtful. You will need to show empathy and kindness when you tell your spouse about your [affair](https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/apr/14/told-my-husband-was-having-an-affair).  The following is an exercise to help you prepare to [disclose an affair](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/recovering-from-an-affair) to your spouse.  #### Five Items to Think About Before you Begin to Share: ##### #1 - This conversation is purely to disclose your affair. - - This isn't the time to tell your spouse how you feel about your marriage. - Do not do any [finger-pointing](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/the-blame-game-in-relationships). - Don't turn the conversation around to focus on them. ##### #2 - Your spouse is not you. - - This affair means something different to them than it does to you. - Allow them to express themselves. - [Don't disagree](https://medium.com/kaizen-habits/understanding-is-more-important-than-love-argues-a-psychologist-with-over-30-years-of-experience-de94129c91e7) with how they *feel*. ##### #3 - Keep the conversation focused on the basic information about the affair. - You don't have to tell specific details about when, where, how many times, or even with whom you had an affair. - Those details may come in time, but for now, keep to the basics. ##### #4 - After your disclosure, remind your spouse that this is not the end of the conversation. - Tell them you want to [keep talking](https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/g19903590/must-talk-with-partner/), and you are open to more discussion.  ##### #5 - Honor the "WHY" questions your spouse will have. - Let them know that you are willing to have a more in-depth conversation and even go to therapy to [explore your marriage problems](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/relationship-advice/how-rebuild-trust-marriage). If your spouse is willing, find a couples' therapist specializing in treating [infidelity](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/micro-cheating-signs) to work with you both to move into a new and more sustainable monogamy that works for you and your partner.  You can also pick up my book to help along the journey, "[*When You're the One Who Cheats; Ten Things You Need to Know." *](https://www.amazon.com/When-Youre-One-Who-Cheats/dp/1999481003/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=)     If you are struggling with infidelity in your marriage or relationship, we are here to help with  Imago [Relationship Workshops](https://www.imagorelationshipswork.com/couples-and-individuals/workshops) and [Relationship Therapy](https://www.imagorelationshipswork.com/couples-and-individuals/imago-therapy). We have Online Couples Therapy and Couples Workshops too!  Discover more about Imago with our **[Imago Professional Membership](https://www.imagorelationshipswork.com/membership), [Imago Professional Facilitators,](https://imagorelationshipswork.com/organizations)****[Imago Professional Training](https://www.imagorelationshipswork.com/community/profile-ref/manage-subscription/imago-professional-training)** and [Imago](https://www.imagorelationshipswork.com/community/user-ref/manage-subscription/imago-professional-training/33-about-imago/training/74-imago-insights-educational-webinars)**[Educational Webinars](https://www.imagorelationshipswork.com/community/user-ref/manage-subscription/imago-professional-training/33-about-imago/training/74-imago-insights-educational-webinars). **   ***Connect. Transform. Thrive.*** [***Imago Relationships***](https://www.imagorelationshipswork.com/)    \*An excerpt from [When You’re the One Who Cheats](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/43699635-when-you-re-the-one-who-cheats) by Dr. Tammy Nelson\* --- *![Dr. Tammy Nelson, PhD - Imago Relationships North America](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/hs-fs/hubfs/Imported_Blog_Media/Dr_%20Tammy%20Nelson%2c%20PhD%20-%20Imago%20Relationships%20North%20America-2.jpg?width=361&name=Dr_%20Tammy%20Nelson%2c%20PhD%20-%20Imago%20Relationships%20North%20America-2.jpg)**This blog post was written by [Dr. Tammy Nelson, PHD, CST, CSCT, LPC, LADC](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/relationship-advice/author/dr-tammy-nelson-phd-cst-csct-lpc-ladc) . * Tammy Nelson, Ph.D., is a sex and relationship expert, an international speaker, an author, and a licensed psychotherapist with almost thirty years of experience working with individuals and couples. She is a TEDx speaker and host of the podcast The Trouble with Sex and the author of six books, including Open Monogamy; A Guide to Co-Creating Your Ideal Relationship Agreement, Integrative Sex & Couples Therapy, [When You’re The One Who Cheats, Ten Things You Need to Know](https://drtammynelson.com/product/when-youre-the-one-who-cheats-book/), [The New Monogamy; Redefining Your Relationship After Infidelity](http://www.amazon.com/The-New-Monogamy-Redefining-Relationship/dp/1608823156/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1339618990&sr=8-4) and [Getting the Sex You Want; Shed Your Inhibitions and Reach New Heights of Passion Together](https://drtammynelson.com/product/getting-the-sex-you-want-book/) as well as [What’s Eating You: A Workbook for Teens with Anorexia, Bulimia, and other Eating Disorders](http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/whats-eating-you-tammy-nelson/1112035356). Tammy is the Executive Director of the Integrative Sex Therapy Institute and a Board Certified Sexologist, an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, a Licensed Professional Counselor, a Certified Imago Relationship therapist, and a Certified Sex and Couples Therapist. She has been a featured expert in hundreds of articles, including the NY Times, Wall Street Journal, Washington Post, and a source for Time Magazine. She can be found on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook and at [www.drtammynelson.com](http://www.drtammynelson.com/).     Topics: [Marriage Issues](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/tag/marriage-issues), [Couples Therapy](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/tag/couples-therapy), [Recovering from an Affair](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/tag/recovering-from-an-affair), [Cheating](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/tag/cheating), [Online Couples Workshop](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/tag/online-couples-workshop), [Getting the Love you Want](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/tag/getting-the-love-you-want), [Creating Healthy Relationships](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/tag/creating-healthy-relationships), [Online Couples Therapy](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/tag/online-couples-therapy), [Imago Dialogue](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/tag/imago-dialogue), [Affair](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/tag/affair), [Affair Recovery](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/tag/affair-recovery), [Cheating Spouse](https://blog.imagorelationshipswork.com/tag/cheating-spouse) ### About the blog The Imago Relationships Blog features content from our team of professional therapists, workshop presenters and facilitators who are passionate about helping you discover a new way to communicate and love your life. 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