As our new normal begins to develop, many of us are concerned with re-entry into the real world. Going back into society may create feelings of anxiety and fear. As we begin to face reality, we have to go back out there and talk to people - in person!
Perhaps you’ve lost social skills, had a lousy home haircut, gained a few extra pandemic pounds? For many of us, introverts and extroverts, a panic may begin to set in by simply leaving the house and leaving the safety of our home cocoon.
However, there may be some of us that are freaking out for an entirely different reason when thinking about leaving our home and going back to the office. For some of us, we may be worried about connecting with our colleagues again in-person - real, human flesh up close and personal.
Or, as you’ve had time to reflect on the last year-plus, perhaps you are re-thinking that close relationship you developed with your co-worker? You know, the one you shared a special bond full of support, trust, honesty, loyalty, and respect that’s similar to a great marriage - often referred to as a “work spouse.”
If you’ve had a work spouse, have you ever thought about allowing (or did allow) that relationship to cross over into something more? If so, then you have likely experienced what I call “vicinity attraction.” Since we typically spend so much of our waking hours at work, it makes sense we’d develop close working relationships. And sometimes sexual attraction can happen when we spend so much time with people we like, trust, and respect.
Workplace attractions and vicinity attractions CAN develop into emotionally and physically intimate connections, however, and that’s when they turn into affairs.
People develop attractions to people other than their partners all the time. It doesn’t mean you have to act on every whim or fantasy. If you’re honest with yourself, you have control over whether or not you choose to be in a situation that might be unethical or harmful.
Second, decide if acting on this connection is a wise idea. Even if you’re not in a relationship, are they? Would you be hurting someone else in the process?
Say you’re both single. It may still not be an intelligent thing to do to get involved. Being in a romantic relationship with someone at work can create all sorts of difficulties. And, depending on your respective roles in your company, there may be a power differential (meaning one of you is the boss of the other), which could be sexual harassment, even if both of you think you’re giving full consent to the interaction.
Third, if you’re still considering allowing this attraction to blossom into something more, talk about it with your work spouse. See if they’re even on the same page. It could be you’re the only one perceiving any deeper potential here. If you find you are alone in these feelings, then deal with any lingering sense of disappointment and move on.
A workplace attraction or vicinity attraction can be fun if kept in the realm of harmless flirtation (depending on your monogamy agreement with your partner at home). Do you agree that it is okay to flirt at work or to have a friendly work-spouse relationship?
Remember that friendships can always develop into healthy, happy marriages. But the key is to be above-board and to talk about all the possible ramifications.
If you're struggling with workplace relationships, have a work spouse, work attraction, or even a vicinity attraction, we're here to help. Check out our Imago Relationship workshops and therapy. We have online therapy and workshops too!
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Tammy Nelson, Ph.D., is a sex and relationship expert, an international speaker, an author, and a licensed psychotherapist with almost thirty years of experience working with individuals and couples.
She is a TEDx speaker and host of the podcast The Trouble with Sex and the author of six books, including Open Monogamy; A Guide to Co-Creating Your Ideal Relationship Agreement, Integrative Sex & Couples Therapy, When You’re The One Who Cheats, Ten Things You Need to Know, The New Monogamy; Redefining Your Relationship After Infidelity and Getting the Sex You Want; Shed Your Inhibitions and Reach New Heights of Passion Together as well as What’s Eating You: A Workbook for Teens with Anorexia, Bulimia, and other Eating Disorders.
Tammy is the Executive Director of the Integrative Sex Therapy Institute and a Board Certified Sexologist, an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, a Licensed Professional Counselor, a Certified Imago Relationship therapist, and a Certified Sex and Couples Therapist.
She has been a featured expert in hundreds of articles, including the NY Times, Wall Street Journal, Washington Post, and a source for Time Magazine. She can be found on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook and at www.drtammynelson.com.