Monthly Digest September 2020: Imago Relationships Blog and Relationship Tips

Here's your Monthly Digest packed full of amazing Imago Relationship Blogs and Relationship Tips. Subscribe now if you haven't already! 

Discover ten forms of betrayal in relationships, learn how to get back your sexual energy, explore ways to create a happy marriage later in life, learn how to recover from a breakup, explore ways to make your man happy, learn how to put the spark back into a "broken" marriage, and find new ways to incorporate daily gratitude during hard times.  

Infidelity is not the only betrayal in relationships. In fact, there are ten types of relationship betrayals that are common. 

I have never understood the mindset that there's a game-winning or game-losing shot. This, to me, renders the entire rest of the game useless and unimportant. If the star player has made a record-breaking, 62 points in the game leading up to the final 3 seconds, the team is down by 2 and her final toss toward the basket misses, is she really responsible for the game-losing shot? I think not. 

Nor do I think that one betrayal can make or break a relationship. Sure, it can complicate, undermine, or greatly influence a relationship, but one isolated betrayal is not typically what leads to a relationship's demise.  

Furthermore, just as a lousy pass might lead to a missed catch in a basketball game, one betrayal might lead to another betrayal in relationships. We are all responsible for our part. Always. No matter what the game. Especially in relationships.  

Betrayals come in many forms. Though many people might disagree with me, I do not believe in a hierarchy of betrayals.  

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Sexual Energy - How to Reconnect with Your Partner

Perhaps it is because I'm a Scorpio, the astrological sign known to be very sexual, that I find myself teaching and writing about sex. Talking about sex is part of my job description as a couples counselor.

Sex, from my perspective, is a powerful, energetic exchange that can fuel intimate relationships and take you to heighten levels of ecstasy. I am sex-positive and promote an accepting and open attitude about sex and sexuality in my life and my work with couples.

I'm a certified kundalini yoga and meditation instructor in addition to being a licensed marriage and family therapist. In kundalini yoga, sexual energy is our life force energy; it is the energy of creation. After all, sex can create life itself.

If our life force energy is damped or shamed, we cannot entirely express and experience our whole self. A vital part of ourselves is diminished. We might feel tired, drained, or uninspired. Our intimate relationships can also suffer because we do not show up fully. Desireless interactions cause us to feel unsatisfied with our connection.

When our intimate relationship is unfulfilling, we feel unhappy, disconnected, and lonely. Yet, when we are in full alignment with our passionate selves, and our partner can join us in this state, we feel more energized and complete. Our relationship becomes more enriched and satisfying.

Unfortunately, negating or ignoring our sexual energy is all too familiar. There are many reasons why this could occur, such as trauma and disinformation. Talking to your partner about sex can be a meaningful way to reclaim your sexual self. Sex coach and researcher, Pam Costa, found that when women and men started talking about sex, they ended up having more sex.

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5 Tips for a Happy Second Marriage Later in Life

Recovering from the end of a relationship is usually much more difficult than we expect. No matter what our mind might tell us about how necessary or right ending the relationship might be. Regardless of what all our friends tell us about how much better off we'll be, we can feel devastated - both emotionally and physically, for a long time.

First, we're recovering from the loss of connection we had with our partner, a primary fear. As babies, there is an innate understanding that we will not survive if the caretaker breaks the connection and doesn't return. The loss of a connection at the primal level is a life and death experience, and it often feels that way during a breakup. We can literally feel like we're going to die.

Emotionally, a breakup can echo places and times when we felt inadequate or abandoned. Then, we may turn against ourselves and begin hating and blaming the breakup. Fear, despair, and self-doubt may even take over. All of this may be happening without us realizing the childhood pieces informing our feelings about ourselves.

For me, as a therapist, it can be painful to watch people turn against themselves after a breakup. A lovely, lovable person is feeling completely unlovable.  So, it's helpful to look deeper to understand what is happening in the brain when we go through a breakup. The brain study during this process is quite fascinating. 

Helen Fisher, a brain researcher, has studied the brain when people are experiencing breakups. The research shows that although the person we dated is no longer present, the attachment and love feelings can grow even stronger in their absence.  

In Helen Fisher's Ted Talks, she speaks about the power of love and our brain when we are "dumped." Dr. Fisher states that "Romantic love is one of the most addictive substances on earth." As the addiction center of the brain becomes activated with the same strength as being hooked on cocaine. During this process, the body physically hurts with anxiety and actual physical symptoms.

So the term heartache, it turns out, is a genuine physical condition. 

4 Tips on How to Make Your Man Happy

Jessica wonders why she and Steve don't seem to have much to say to each other lately. Bickering has become a frequent pastime. It seems he's only interested in being with her when he has sex in mind. However, Jessica ponders when it would be a good time to broach a conversation.

Jessica starts with, "Babe, can we talk?" These are among the most dreaded words in any language to the vast majority of men. He only hears, "I'm in trouble." 

And so it begins - the unfortunate cycle repeated in homes, restaurants, and parks around the globe.  

Men know they feel "in trouble" when these words are spoken. What many men don't always know about themselves is "WHY." You're mystified.  

The secret is that men's happiness in relationships depends primarily on whether their partners are happy—and specifically satisfied. 

Men want to feel emotionally connected just as much as you do. Too often, these attempts to connect backfire and are annoying, frustrating, and even confusing to both of you. He cleans off your car in every snow, shares the chores, approaches you for sex, works hard to be a good provider, and ensures all the insurance premiums are paid. You tell him you want to spend more time with him, improve the communication between the two of you, and suggest some fun things to do together. He disappears into his man cave of stony silence.

"What the heck goes so wrong?" you both ask. What is so wrong is that he feels he's tried so hard to show his love and affection—and you're not satisfied! AND he's in the doghouse again. What puzzles you is that you tell him what you want, and he's not inspired.  

When you tell him what you want, he hears how he's fallen short. He feels he's failed in his job as a partner and retreats in shame, usually disguised as anger or withdrawal. You feel misunderstood and deserted.

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How to Get the Spark Back in a Broken Relationship

During the pandemic, more and more couples struggle to connect on a deeper level and find a way to hold on to intimacy in their relationship. This may be because spending time with your loved one around the clock doesn’t necessarily invite desire or increased attraction…shocker! 

What’s that you say?… spending Twenty-four hours with your partner doesn’t make you want to spend even more time with them? Well, you wouldn’t be the first to feel cramped, frustrated, and in need of personal space.

In relationships, we often connect most over sharing external interests or individualistic activities.

Remember when you were first dating, and you were so excited to learn something new about your new partner? Well, the same principle remains that we often find excitement in novelty. So when you spend time separate from your loved ones, you look forward to sharing the updates with them. When you are both doing the same activities, it can leave your interaction lackluster.

Spending this much time with your partner within a confined space may have you wanting your escape. There is no outlet, no public areas at this time that warrants safety, and therefore it can lead to difficulty in wanting to turn towards them and becoming intimate. 

Certainly, this can cause undue tension in your relationship and make it hard to feel like intimacy is accessible. Here are some ideas that may help to break out of boredom and kindle that long-awaited intimacy. 

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How to Practice Gratitude Everyday - Getting Through Hard Times 

We are all experiencing difficult times these days, and gratitude is an excellent antidote to the anxiety, loss, and frustration that can feel overwhelming and endless. 

Here are four tips to help you get back to feeling more grateful in your life and relationships today. 

Tip #1 - Start a Daily Gratitude journal or use an App on your Phone.

Make it a habit to write a few sentences of something you're grateful for during the day. Look for the simple things: 

• A beautiful day

• A delicious meal

• A phone call from a friend

• A flower that bloomed

• A spontaneous hug from your child

Look for things you tend to take for granted, like your spouse doing the laundry and folding your socks, your spouse working hard every day to provide for his/her family.

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We hope you've enjoyed reading our Imago Relationships health and wellness blogs & tips this month.  If you love quizzes, be sure to check out our Imago Relationships Quizzes!