Pregnancy Loss and Relationships: How to Cope, Heal, and Find Emotional Support

The time after pregnancy loss can be incredibly lonely. If you are the person who carried the pregnancy, it can be difficult to know who to talk to about the experience, what to do to express your grief or find follow-up medical care. With changing reproductive laws in the US, this process is even more confusing and isolating.

If you are in a relationship when you experience loss, the aftermath of the pregnancy loss may be felt differently by each partner and it can start to wear on the relationship if you don’t have tools to cope with the grief you’re both experiencing. One partner may feel the loss more significantly than the other, and communication breakdowns can occur when we don’t know how to start these emotionally charged conversations in a secure and connected way.

One of the most important things for couples and individuals following a pregnancy loss is having a space to feel heard and seen. So often, there is no clear outlet for these feelings, no ceremony or path to solace for people facing pregnancy loss and the loss of the hopes that were attached to the pregnancy.

There is not a clear set of steps for handling this grief, and you may even be met with dismissive comments such as:

• “Well, you were only so far along…”
• “At least you have another child…”
• “You can try again…”

There can also be comparative grief that arises as an attempt to make someone feel better, or make ourselves feel better. Sadly, it tends to make people feel just the opposite.

3 Helpful Coping Tips After Pregnancy Loss for Couples and Individuals

The Power of Journaling After Pregnancy Loss for Healing

Journaling is an incredibly important tool after pregnancy loss because it doesn’t involve anyone else for it to be effective. Each partner, whether they carried the pregnancy or not, can express their feelings in writing without feeling judged or worrying that they might hurt the other person with how they are feeling. When starting, try setting a timer for 10 minutes and doing free writing, or simply writing in a stream-of-consciousness style.

Also, you don’t need to feel pressure to purchase an actual journal. Plain paper or even an app on your phone works just as well. Getting your feelings out of your head and onto paper (or digital paper) helps your brain process the overwhelming emotions that often follow pregnancy loss.

If you feel that writing after a pregnancy loss is overwhelming, start small. Jotting down a few feeling words during moments of intense emotion can help. Putting words to our feelings is important in processing the grief experience. It can help you recognize what is really going on with your body and emotions.

Once you get the feeling words on the page, you may feel like you can add context or more detail next to the words and continue to write. If not, stop there and count it as a win. Processing grief is slow and everyone must absolutely take it at their own pace.

If holding on to your writings feels too painful, you don’t have to keep them. You can rip up the pages, soak them in water, crumple them, and throw them away. I’ve done this myself, and the tearing felt cathartic—like letting go of a weight I didn’t need to carry anymore. Remember, the healing comes from the act of writing, not from holding on to the words.

How to Use Imago Dialogue After Pregnancy Loss With Your Partner

If you are in a connected relationship when you experience loss, it can be really beneficial to talk to your partner about how you are feeling. There are so many emotions that come up, and each of you may be having a very different experience.

When you are able, making an appointment with an Imago Therapist or Grief Facilitator to guide you in an intentional dialogue about your feelings can help you avoid misunderstandings and unnecessary hurt and feelings of isolation.

Having this conversation using the Imago Intentional Dialogue creates a safe container for what might otherwise feel like a difficult conversation. It allows both of you to hear each perspective and walk for a moment in your partner’s shoes.

It is important to consider timing for these conversations for both partners. There is a lot of nuance, and even trauma that may occur, so working with a professional is important whenever your grief feels overwhelming or insurmountable.

How to Use Imago Dialogue After Pregnancy Loss With a Support Person

If you are not in a relationship, or are unable to speak with your partner about your feelings after loss, you can still process your experience with a support person, therapist, or facilitator.

A phenomenon that happened after my pregnancy losses was that once I started sharing about my experience (and it took a long time and multiple losses, so there is no time pressure on this piece), many people in my life opened up about their losses. Learning about the experience of my loved ones who had been through loss was helpful in finding connection and relieving that sense of isolation.

How to Support Someone After a Pregnancy Loss

If you know someone who has experienced pregnancy loss or is going through IVF or an infertility journey, just keep checking on them and keep reaching out as a safe place they can go to vent and share their feelings.

If you have been through pregnancy loss yourself, offering to listen, or if they ask you to share your experience, can be a way to experience mutual healing. This journey can feel so unseen and lonely without sharing. When we tell the story of our loss, it can help it feel real in a way it may not before we talk about it, and sharing with someone who knows the journey can be incredibly validating.

Timing is everything on the sharing. Sometimes it takes a really long time to feel able to talk about it, and that is ok. Your loved one may not want to share their story right away. You can still offer to be that person who will listen, and when they're ready, they will find you.

Finding Support Groups and Books After Pregnancy Loss

There are a lot of medical processes to go through after a loss, and looking for support often feels like an extra burden. So if you know someone who is grieving, researching support they can access is a huge help. When you are overwhelmed with grief or experiencing the physical pain of pregnancy loss, this is a really difficult step.

If you are able to look for support options for them and send a gentle email or even just offer “when you are ready, I have found some resources,” then go ahead and send so they have it when they’re ready to seek support.

You can also send a list of books that go into the grief of pregnancy loss, or if you have a book or quote that helped you cope during a difficult time, send it along. Not all books will be a fit, just as each loss experience is different, the books about loss have different perspectives and tools for coping. However, reading other’s experiences, and finding commonality or advice that resonates can be helpful in processing your grief.

Here are 5 Pregnancy Loss and Grief Books I Recommend:

1. Unexpecting by Rachel Lewis
2. Grappling with Grief and the Pathway to Peace by Jamie Henderson-Warren
3. I had a Miscarriage by Jessica Zucker
4. Your Guide to Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss by Kate White MD
5. It’s Ok to not be Ok by Megan Devine

Ways to Comfort Someone After Pregnancy Loss: Gifts, Messages, and Acts of Support

The truth is, whatever you can offer as support, solidarity, and a recognition of someone’s loss is helping. Judge the situation by your relationship, and follow your heart.

Connection is everything when grieving.
Here are a few ideas you can offer to provide support and comfort:

• A blanket
• A pillow
• A piece of art
• A nice note
• A text message of love
• A voice memo
• A snack basket
• A card

If a friend or loved one has confided in you, you are their support system, so whatever you can do to keep a connection through the grief is helpful and important. It doesn’t have to be big, it just helps to have something that feels like someone is on your side during this time.

Experiencing pregnancy loss is a tender and complicated process. Each experience is profoundly unique and the grieving process is no different. If you are on a fertility journey, have experienced pregnancy loss, or have a loved one going through this, my heart is with you. Know that you have options for support when you are ready and you can go at your own pace through the grief journey.

If you are supporting someone going through loss, keep showing up, keep offering connections, and know that your loved one will come to you when they are ready.

6 Important Things to Remember After Pregnancy Loss

1. Everyone experiences this process differently.
2. The pain will not go away entirely, but it will lessen.
3. Your timeline is your own.
4. Professional support can help you process the experience safely.
5. Community is out there when you are ready.
6. You are not alone.

I am sending love, comfort, and hope your way. Please hang in there.

If you are struggling with pregnancy loss, we’re here to support you with Relationship Therapy and Relationship Workshops wherever you are.

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